If Only
by, nicole_enjolras

A light rain fell over the silent, still barricade. The soft breeze blew over the peaceful students. Pouvaire and Joly lay side by side against some crates, as if they were singing on of their songs in the Café. Grantaire was lying amongst some empty wine bottles, which he himself had drank earlier. Combeferre looked as if he was in a peaceful dream. Still clutching his gun, Coutfeyrac was at his post. This was a regular sight at the barricade. Except for one thing. Everything was covered in blood. The students had fought well but couldn’t win. They parished, fighting for the world they wanted. Their leader wanted it most of all. And he was the last one standing on the barricade that night. His friends laid dead at his feet, all weapons had run out and still he refused to give up. He grabbed the read flag that was the flag of freedom. There he stood, at the top of the barricade. And there he fell. I watched this from a corner. I had been injured, shot in the left shoulder and a broken leg (not to mention a few cuts and bruises). I tried many times to get up and fight but the pain would blind me as I moved my leg. So I watched. I saw my best friend, Eponine, killed. The rest followed. After the last fell I blacked out.

When I woke I saw all those I cared about covered in a red handkerchief. But I could not find Marius, or the man who had volunteered to kill Javert, our prisoner. My only thought was ‘they got away’. Marius had escaped and went to find the young woman he had fallen in love with. “I hope you did, Marius,” I wispered into the breeze. I pulled my self across the bloody ground to where Grantaire was. His blank eyes looked at me, and a chill ran down my spine. The others watched me as I closed Grantaire’s eyes and kissed his cheek. I stood myself up and looked back at the empty faces. Using a piece of wood as a crutch, I went to each of my friends and said goodbye to them as I had Grantaire. After, I found a way around to the front of the barricade. The sight was almost unbearable. Enjolras lay on his back, under him was the flag of freedom. His eyes were closed and his shirt was stained red, matching the flag. I went to him as quickly as I could and carefully got him down off the rubble of the barricade. I ignored the pain screaming in my leg and shoulder. I took ‘Jolras in my arms. I began to cry as I held him.
“I love you,” I wispered into his ear. “’Jolras I love you so much.”
The pain in my leg had subsided alittle without my weight on it. But my shoulder began to hurt more. I kissed his forehead, cheek and then lips.
“If only I had told you.”
Deep regret set into my heart as I said those words. Why hadn’t I told him? I knew why. He was a born leader, dedicated to his fight for Republic. He didn’t have time for girls. I thought he stirred when I said that. I could be wrong. It doesn’t matter now I feel death’s blanket covering me. But even as I die I can’t get the thought out of my head.

If only..........


I always knew we would die here at the barricade, but as I watched my friends die around me I was reminded of better times. Grantaire had ran out of ammunition, so he picked up a bottle of wine. He was killed. Joly and Pouvaire were humming to themselves and together, as they always were, took bullets in the chest. Combeferre had a dreamy, far-off look, that we had become accustom to, when he finally fell after being pierced three times by a bayonet in the chest. He had been trying to save a wounded soldier. Courfeyrac, who had stayed at his post,fell limp into his chair after a blast from one of the soldiers guns. Marius and I stood alone. I looked to Marius and what I saw frightened me. His face was covered in blood, and his eyes were filled with a deep rooted pain and longing. At that moment a ball struck his shoulder. I took one last around me. I was the last. The leader. I grabbed every gun I could find but it didn’t take long before nothing was left. I looked up and saw something Red. “This is for us,” I muttered to myself and my dead companions. Racing to the top of the barricade. I grabbed the flag of freedom and waved it high over head. Then I was hit. I fell. I didn’t really feel the pain. We had lost, but I believed we had also won. Hopefully someone would continue our fight for a free country. I don’t know how long I’ve lied here. I don’t have enough strength to open my eyes let alone move. The rain cools me, the breeze brushes my hair. It is a beautiful night.
I hear something. Someone is moving me. Now I am being held. It’s a wonderful feeling, to be held by someone. I never knew before, never paid attention to the part of me that needed to know this feeling. “I love you,” the person whispers. It is a young woman. I know the voice. “'Jolras I love you so much.”
It is Nicole. She is weeping as she holds me. I have never known her to have cried. I always have admired her strength, her ability to survive. I picture her face, for I cannot force my eyes to open. Such beauty I see.
\Why did I not notice before?
\She kisses me. First on my forehead, then my cheek, then my lips.
“If only I had told you.”
\I wish she had. I finally realize what I feel for her. It is not admiration alone, but love. These words touch me. With all my might I try to move. I stir slightly but that is all. I long to see her, to hold her in my arms, to kiss her sweet lips. But I will never have that chance.
\If only I had realized sooner.
\Nicole I love you. I cannot speak it but I do. Oh God, I wish I could let you know what I feel. No, no I can’t die now. I have to stay awake, I have to live, so she knows that I love her, Please God!
I am fading. Oh Nicole, Nicole I wish you could hear me. I love you Nicole. With all my heart I love you. Oh Nicole.
If only..........

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